even her name is adorable. and her face and her personality and everything about her is just better than i will ever be. no wonder she’s going out with the guy that i have some sort of feelings for. i cant even figure out what i have for him. i don’t understand myself in the slightest right now.

i just don’t get it. i’m amazing at making friends. in general, for some ridiculous reason that i will never understand, people both love and respect me. but that’s it. it never gets any further than that. i don’t even know how people manage to be more than friends. i don’t know when/if i’m flirting, i don’t know how to make it apparent that i like someone without making myself look like a fool, i just don’t know.

back to feeling lonely, fat, and unaccomplished. isn’t life fun?

In may of last year I weighed 160 lbs. what happened between then and december? why am I so bad at life and being attractive and doing anything? I can’t wait until I lose it all again.

we are never going to be a couple.

I figured it out. I really do hate everyone.

what is wrong with me. WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME.

somehow it feels very ironic that I feel so very ugly, unappealing, unattractive, and just completely unworthy on this day, international women’s day, when me and other females are supposed to be celebrated. yup. irony.

there is not a single person in the world I do not hate right now. not one. or perhaps i just hate myself so very much that I think I hate everyone else too. really I don’t know. I just can’t handle anything anymore.

furthermore I will probably never find a boyfriend. this seems like a really trivial teenage thing to be whining about right? but how should I feel when I’m surrounded by people who are complaining or bragging about their relationships, about how guys always see them as just a friend or just a piece of ass when half the time I dont even think guys really see me. I’m not memorable, at least not for the right reasons. I’m not attractive enough to be a whore, not cute enough to be adored, and no one really cares enough to figure out who I really am. To most people I’m too abrasive or too ugly or too fat or just completely unattractive like why do I even try it’s not like I should need a boyfriend. but is it really so bad to want someone to find me as fascinating and as special as I find them. is it really so pathetic for me to want someone to see me as amazing, for my flaws to still be beautiful, for me to feel completely comfortable with them? there is not a single person on this earth who I feel completely comfortable around. how sad is that?